Hang on to life For we are all listening

Last entry

2005-02-03T23:33:00.000-05:00

This is my last entry on this blog...I moved back to my xanga...
http://www.xanga.com/krookid_silence

So this is it...Later

*~*Malia*~*

A survey

2005-01-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

+your name: Malia
+ your gender: a she
+ age: 17
+ height: 4'11''and a quarter
+ hair color: brownish red
+ eye color: bloo
+ your location: Sou-bidge
SECTiON2 [HAVEYOUEVER ]
+ fallen off the bed? ya
+ fallen for a relative? no.
+ had plastic surgery? no.
+ broke someone`s heart? god, I hope so
+ had your heart broken? heh...
+ had a dream come true? yes
+ done something you regret? yes
+ cheated on a test? haha yeah
+ broken a body part? nope.
SECTiON3 [CURRENTLY]
+ wearing – a huge t-shirt and huge pants...ahh so comfy
+ listening to – the ding of my ims
+ chewing - nothing
+ feeling - bored, and tired
+ reading – this
+ chatting with – adam
+ watching – nothing, but i was watching golden girls
+ should REALLY be – asleep

Favorite TV Channel: hmmm....probably fox
Favorite Cartoon: spongebob
Favorite Book: all the harry potters
Favorite Room in your House: my room
Favorite Place to go to for a Vacation: joanie's house on the cape
Favorite Country: U.S
Favorite Smiley: the tongue one
Favorite Thing in Your Room: the thing on my ceiling and my vanity
Favorite Word/Phrase to Say: seksi beast/love ya like a beast
Favorite Person to Talk to: Johnny and Tasha
Favorite Person to Tell Your Problems to: Jimmy, Tasha, Liam
Favorite Person to Hate: haha...uhh yeah ((no comment))
Favorite Friend(s): the graphics bitches and i used to love the guys at bill's
Favorite Pants: my brown ones
Favorite Shoes: my new clogs
Favorite Socks: my black fuzzy ones
Favorite Flower: rose
Favorite Thing about yourself: my feet
Favorite Time of the Day: night
Favorite Feeling: happiness/love
Favorite Emotion: laughing
Favorite Game: grand theft auto III
Favorite Thing to do when You're Bored: write, sleep
Favorite Thing to do when You're Mad: bitch, write
Favorite Thing all together: Being wit johnny
][ what time is it?: 10:53 am
][ what is the date?: o1.30.05
][ why are you fillinq this out?: tired and decided what to do with johnny

- favorites.
][ number: 15, 12,805
][ color: blue
][ season: summer and autumn
][ holiday: my birthday
][ month: july and october
][ day of the week: saturday
][ qrade so far: beginning of my sophomore year
][ class: ms. cotes drama class with tasha
][ teacher so far: D, Mr Mac, and Mr Savage
][ drink: water, coke
][ food: im going on a calzone spree
][ fruit: rasberry
][ veggie: cauliflower
][ tv show: spongebob, the o.c., golden girls, and more
][ radio station: 94.5, 93.7
][ cd: green day-international superhits, greenday-american idiot, starting line-say it like you mean it, deftones-white pony, and more
][ animal: turtle
][ clothinq store: Marshalls, TJ Maxx
][ ice cream flavor: strawberry, and chocolate and vanilla..im pretty basic
][ breakfast food: sausage!!! and french toast
][ way to have fun: singing, hanging out with friends, dancing

- this or that.
][ me/you: me
][ aol/aim: aim
][ cd/cassette: cd
][ dvd/vcr: dvd
][ radio/cd: either
][ jeans/khakis: jeans
][ jacket/coat: jackets a wayy cooler word
][ leather/pleather: leather, i have no idea what pleather is haha
][ sparkles/bronze: sparkles
][ sexy/hot: seksi baby
][ car/truck: car
][ corvette/camero: camero
][ stronq/weak: strong
][ upset/pissed: pissed
][ tall/short: short
][ lunch/dinner: dinner
][ abercrombie/hollister: neither
][ qap/old navy: old navy
][ nsync/bsb: ugh, you had to go there
][ britney/xtina: you had to go there too, didn't ya?
][ love/lust: love
][ inside/outside: winter-inside summer-outside
][ lipstick/lipqloss: lip gloss
][ silver/qold: gold
][ peircinqs/tattoos: both
][ football/basketball: football baby
][ thunder/liqhtning: both...it's seksi
][ this/that: this

- past.
][ if you could take back one thinq you did, what would it be and why?: heh....umm...the past 2 years
][ do you have any reqrets?: yes
][ last thinq you said: thank you, bye
][ last sonq you heard: uhh something on my way home last night
][ last person you talked to on the phone: pete

- present.
][ what are you doinq riqht now?: blowing my nose constantly, filling this thing out, texting johnny, and smoking a cigarette
][ what cd is in your cd player?: our lady peace
][ are you cold?:not really...a little
][ how are you sittinq?: cross legged on a chair
][ is there music on?: naw
][ where are your parents?: dad-who cares, mom-out n about

- future.
][ are you qoinq to qet married?: maybe, i'm debating
][ are you qoinq to have children?: debating that too
][ if yes, how many?: prolly 3
][ what will you name them?: Anthony Michael, Evelyn Elizabeth, and Faith Marie
][ do you wanna qo to colleqe?: yeah
][ which colleqe?: quinsig and worceser state

- others.
][ write in cursive or print?: I used both mixed
][ riqhty, lefty, ambidexterous?: righty
][ what do you think of rainbows?: gay
][ do you have any tattoos?: not yet
][ if not, do you want any, and where?: dragon on the back of my neck and a leprechaun on my hip
][ what do you think of eminem?: hott and good lyrics
][ what do you think of britney and justin?: ummm...shut up, im sick of shit poppy shit
][ if you could live anywhere else, where would you live?: cali or italy
][ do you drive?: yep
][ like milk and cookies?: not really
][ ever worn black nail polish?: i think so
][ what color nail polish do you have on?: this ugly purple...the guy fucked up
][ if you could have a 6th sense, what would it be?: read peoples minds or be telepathic
][ do you do thinqs even when your parents say no?: haha yeah
][ ever taken anythinq from a hotel?: i dont think so...i think i accidently took the tip envelope once thats about it haha
][ did you talk to you crush/bf/qf today?: well this morning at like 12, if that counts
][ do you think this is stupidly lonq?: yeah
][ did you like it?: umm no
][ why/why not?: its like weird but for some reason, i'm still doing it

- finish.
][ what is the time?: 11:14 am
][ what is the date?: o1.30.o5
][ why did you just do this?: i have no life and i'm waiting for johnny to call

I'm sorry

2004-12-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

I'M SORRY

I'm sorry I'm not thin.
I'm sorry that my eyes aren't a little bit bluer.
Or my teeth a little whiter.
I'm sorry I'm not blonde.
I'm sorry I'm not tall
and I don't wear mini skirts and tube tops.
I'm sorry I'm not as sweet as chocolate
And I don't smile all the time.
I'm sorry I don't have an award winning smile
Or locks of curly hair flowing down my back.
I'm sorry I don't love everyone
And sometimes I do hurt.
I'm sorry I'm so stubborn.
I'm sorry I lie
And cheat.
I'm sorry I smoke and drink.
I'm sorry for what I've been through
For feeling low
And gross.
I'm sorry I'm loud
And annoying.
I'm sorry I don't sing as good
Or dance as good.
I'm sorry I don't act as good
Or kiss as good
Or love as good.
I'm sorry I don't have a nice body
With a nice ass
And a nice rack.
I'm sorry I don't talk as much
Or joke as much.
I'm sorry for being mean
And hitting you.
I'm sorry for hurting everyone
And isolating myself.
I'm sorry for the attitude.
I'm sorry that I'm short
And fatter than most.
I'm sorry that I flirt.
I'm sorry that I cry.
I'm sorry that I don't have a nice laugh
Or have nice legs
And a nice stomach.
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect for you.
I'm sorry for thinking I was.
I'm sorry that my hair isn't a little fuller
And my cheeks aren't a little redder
And my nose isn't a little cuter.
I'm sorry that my lips aren't bigger
And my hands are so small.
I'm sorry for not having nice hips
And nice ears
With nice earrings.
I'm sorry that my bellybutton isn't pierced
And I don't wear bikinis.
I'm sorry that I don't shop all the time
And I don't try to make myself look good all the time.
I'm sorry I don't like soap operas and junk food.
I'm sorry I get jealous.
I'm sorry I'm not like Carmen Electra or Alyssa Milano.
I'm sorry I'm not in music videos
Or a model.
I'm sorry my rooms a little messy
And my grades aren't that good.
I'm sorry that I'm not a little smarter
And my car isn't nicer.
I'm sorry for yelling
And getting mad sometimes.
I'm sorry for not having nicer clothes
Or shoes
Or make up.
I'm sorry I'm broke
And live in a low-income apartment complex.
I'm sorry I have depression
And a slight anger problem.
I'm sorry for being slutty.
I'm sorry for being lazy
And tired.
I'm sorry for my fears
And paranoias.
I'm sorry for being self concious
With low self-esteem.
I'm sorry if I try too hard
Or act a little weird.
I'm sorry if I don't try hard enough.
I'm sorry if I don't want to be touched.
I'm sorry if I don't want to be with you
Or him.
I'm sorry I'm not everything you want
And I do have a little baggage that comes with me.
I'm sorry if you pity me.
I'm sorry if you think about me
Or do something for me.
I'm sorry if I make you mad
Or upset.
I'm sorry if I'm not always there.
I'm sorry that I'm not always here.
I'm sorry that I don't feel like hanging out
And I lose motivation sometimes.
I'm sorry that I talk about you
And I brag sometimes.
I'm sorry that I can't cook
Or clean
Or draw
Or match.
I'm just sorry I can't...
I'm sorry I can't be molded
And I keep barriers up.
I'm sorry I can't trust people
Even if it is "just you."
I'm sorry I can't pretend
To be something I'm not.
I'm sorry I don't call
Or come up.
I'm sorry I get defensive.
I'm sorry I can't do the job as well as you.
I'm sorry I can't get anything done.
I'm sorry I'm a hyprocrit
And I procrastinate.

I'm just sorry I can't be everything that I'm not...everything you want me to be....I'm sorry that I can't try to be something that I can never be...Stop and think about who you are...Maybe it's you trying to be something you may never become...Because I know I am nothing less than everything...

*~*Malia*~*

I have no life

2004-12-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Malia
2. Mia
3. M-Dawg

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. xch3rryxpi3x
2. MissAdorable567
3. Angel1231

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Eyes
2. feet
3.ummm hair

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. the fat
2. my attituce
3. the fact that i never know when to shut up

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. irish
2. italian
3. mexican

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. being rejected
2. puking
3. fear itself

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. clothes
2. a clip
3. chapstick

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. huge hoodie
2. underwear (my cute black lacey ones)
3. socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. the starting line
2. green day
3. dashboard confessional

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1.drama summer-the starting line
2. boulevard of broken dreams-green day
3. vindicated-dashboard confessional

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1.being on my own
2. lots of sex
3. skinny dipping with a bunch of people (Im such a slut haha)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Someone to hold me
2. trust
3. someone who will love me for who i am

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. lie-i'm a man
2. truth-im depressed
3. truth-i'm more self-concious and insecure than you think i am

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE GENDER(S) YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyes
2. hair
3. sense of humor

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. draw
2. be nice
3. care

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. helping people i love
2. singing
3. writing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. eat something
2. have sex
3. get wicked drunk

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. singer
2. writer
3. psychologist

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. cancun
2. bahamas
3. tuscani italy

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Anthony Michael
2. Faith
3. Evelyn

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. live in a house on a hill overlooking a lake
2. become famous
3. be one rich bitch

Another depressing story

2004-12-09T23:16:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes I wish I was a lot prettier...heh...sometimes...? I mean every waking second. The thing is (and I can finally admit it) is that I put myself in these situations...making myself feel low. For instance...asking Pete if the girl he talked to in his Physics class was hot...and when he smirks, looks down, and says she was alright...then I know she was a Charlene. I have to stop doing that. I really need to just lift myself up. And I don't want to be like all girls with the "I'm so fat and ugly." I keep it all inside. Every emotion is just bottled up. I need an escape, like a vacation from everyone. I mean, I've been isolating myself enough as it is. I force myself to go everywhere, even school. It shouldn't be this way. I'm so self-concious. My self-esteem level is dropping lower and lower every day. And Pete doesn't help me much. He always puts me down in front of the guys. Like tonight, he just had to bring up stuff in front of Davis, that he shouldn't even be thinking about around other people! I mean, yeah I told him to say it, but I didn't know that it was going to embarrass me that much! It drives me nuts. That's what I like about Bill and Davis, they don't judge me and they are always upfront with me and make me feel good no matter what, and I know they're not just saying it to make me feel good...they say what's really up. Pete compliments me because he feels he has to. I can just tell. I just need time to think, I guess
Well, enough bitching

*~*Malia*~*

Nothing less than everything

2004-12-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

Well, things are officially fixed with Bill and I. It feels awesome. Though, there's still that burn to just talk to him about every possible feeling I might have. But I won't. Well, at least not until Pete cools down about the whole thing.
Yeah, about Pete...ugh. You know, I've been depressed lately. I've just been really down-in-the-dumps and you know...sex is the farthest thing from my mind when I'm feeling like this. Sunday night, something strange happened. For once, I was actually somewhat scared of Pete. I don't even know how to explain it. He was in "the mood" and I totally wasn't. I kept telling him that and I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't! I got so freaked out! I mean, No means NO! Damn. I've really been considering our relationship lately. He's just been so strange. Like he won't quit doing things that he knows irritates me. I need to have a serious talk with him because some of these things that are going on will not fly with me if we really plan on being together. Now...just how to tell him... And it's not that I'm scared to talk to him about it, it's just the fact that he'll go "ugh hun, you know I was kidding!" and the thing is, I know he was, it just gets REALLY OLD REALLY QUICK! The first 600 times it was a little funny. Now it's just annoying and irritating. I came up with a decision that he is one of the main reasons I've been feeling the way I have. I mean, when we were on that break, I felt great. Besides having all that beef with Bill. But besides that, I had guys complimenting me left and right and I had guys throwing numbers at me. It made me feel good. They said things to me that Pete should say. He really makes me feel like total utter shit sometimes! I need to tell him.
Bruce and I have been planning on working on my song. I can't wait. It's going to be so awesome. The other night, the best lyrics came to me and I wrote them down. Ugh they were awesome! I can't wait to just sing them!
So yeah, I'm supposed to be cleaning right now. So maybe I should stop procrastinating and actually do it!

*~*Malia*~*

bill poem november 23rd 2004

2004-11-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's kind of corny, but I've had a severe writers block lately for some reason

not a day goes by
that i don't feel bad,
it's on my mind
all the fun we had.

you were a good friend
always made me smile
but it came to an end,
was it all worth while?

i am stung from your words,
engulfed in pain,
please help this hurt
take me out of this rain.

I love you as I did
a dear friend of mine
why does one silly mistake
stop the hands of time?

a silly mistake it was to you
it meant a lot to me,
im sorry for what i put you through
i love you truthfully.

take my words and hold them tight
for tomorrows coming soon
just remember that simple night
underneath the moon...
where you kissed me so gently,
and complimented my beauty.
the best kiss i ever had
i dont regret it totally
but i fear inside
that you were right
and it was never supposed to be

I want to die

2004-11-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has happened since the last time I posted. But I'm way too lazy to mention all of it. All's I have to say is, I miss Bill. I miss having a friend like that and being able to escape reality and go to Bill's house and have a good time. I miss his friendship and our talks. I miss being able to see everyone else because they were all always at Bill's house. It makes me mad that Pete is still going up there, and I'm not. I know I sound like I'm 12, but it's true. I have been so lonely and that is why...I have nowhere to go anymore. It makes me so upset! Going to Bill's house use to be like my therapy. Everyone would compliment me and flirt and everything. It was so laid back and just...fun. Now I feel so hated and ugly. I feel so fat. I really just feel like curling up in a ball and dying. I'm so depressed. Plus, Pete hasn't been saying anything really nice to me lately. I mean, don't get me wrong, we had a great day today but...the past few days he's been making me feel like total shit! Whenever we're around people, he puts me down. And the other night when him and Tasha were here, all he said was "I think you guys should make out!" It's like, yeah, thanks a lot, now my self esteem level is digging itself a grave. What...am I that boring? Am I really that bad of a girlfriend that he NEEDS to watch me make out with another girl? I mean, wasn't making out with his best friend enough?!!!???! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel better. It's obvious that my boyfriend won't make things better...so who will? He complimented me today about how nice my shirt was, but I feel like it's only because I told him how he's been making me feel.
So, I don't know...I'm talking to Bruce. So I'll update laterrr.

*~*Malia*~*

God help me keep me movin somehow

2004-10-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

Lots of events have been happening lately. Besides the fact that I went to school 2.5 days this week and am failing everything...Pete and I are back together. Come to find out, I'm a "sketch ass" <~~~exact words from someone in which I thought I might have meant something to. Now I got to try to fix things with Bill. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Bill's house was my escape. I had so much fun just hanging out with the guys. Davis said Bill will come around and apologize. But this thing with Justin is really hurting me.
Out of all people to walk back into my life...Jake's back. I guess he was in jail for 8 months. He's like stalking me now! He was at my work right at 9:30 and he was here today at 11. I mean, c'mon!
I went to work last night and I have to go in for 4 today. It sucks...
Well, maybe I'll write when I get home because I'm on the phone with Tasha, so I forgot what I was going to write...

*~*Malia*~*

Wow Wow Wow

2004-10-24T21:56:00.000-04:00

Well, no I'm not over it. Lots of events lately...a few being, the show in Monson, calling out of work and hanging out with Davis and Tasha, dying my hair red, and late night trips that turned into something that I am not too happy with. Something happened today. I know who I love. I know who I sincerely love. What happened this past evening was so unexplainable...well it's very explainable, but to many people it isn't much. But it's something I've wanted to do, and I did. And I loved it. So yeah, I'm tired considering I'm working on 3 hours of sleep total for the past 24 hours. I'll explain more later.

*~*Malia*~*

Ugh Work Today

2004-10-20T16:13:00.000-04:00

Well in shop, I got pretty much all of the Thanksgiving placemat done. I hope my grade is going up in there. I still have to do all of my make up work for everything else, too.
Last night, Tasha and I went to Bruce's. I ended up telling Bruce later on though what had happened with me and people. I guess my new found fling is over with. But anyways, we are doing our yearbook for shop. I can't wait! It's going to be so awesome. I'm getting together all the things that I want people to put on their page, seeing that everyone is getting their own page, so I'm coming up with things for people to fill out and put on their page. It's going to be awesome! I can't wait!

So anyways...I'm feeling rather crushed today. Thats pretty much the extent of it.

*~*Malia*~*

Just another cold, rainy, autumn day

2004-10-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Days like this remind me of when I was little...let me reminisce...Back when I used to spend my weekends at Joanie and Pop's...and I'd go outside to play and it was overcast, freezing. I still remember the smell in the air. It was a cold, musty smell. When the wind blew, it was piercing, the scent of wet leaves and pine needles on the already frozen ground. I remember standing on their front porch...well the brick walkway which is now falling apart...and looking into the back behind the garage and missing summer. I made the best of it, though. When you're young, you don't really care. All you care about is that you are outside, open to whatever comes to mind. Whether its mudd or taking a walk in the woods. I miss those days...back before heartbreak and worries. Back before my father tore me apart and betrayed me. Back when everything was so fun, when I was pure...innocent...knew nothing besides cartoons and playing school. Back when I was someone else. A fragment of the imagination is what is is.
Pete came up last night. It felt good and bad. I still feel so guilty but at the same time...the little time we spent together was good. We talked a little bit. I feel bad cuz he's doing bad in school and I feel like I'm at fault. I tried to stay awake as long as I could and make my conversation last as long as it could with someone. It didn't work...so I asked myself...why do I even bother sometimes? No phone calls, no hello...I make the first moves with everything and now I feel like a burden to him because I make so much effort. I'm taking Friday off to go to that show. I want to know what happens and maybe seeing Bill won't be such a bad thing...but then again...there are many reasons it can be....remember, I took advantage of him and I am worthless! And let me tell you...that is exactly how I feel right now...I...am...nothing to a lot of people. I'm still waiting for my phone to ring and to see his name there...but it won't happen.

I'm a sucker for heartbreak...I've been reeled in again to a no-win situation...what should I do?

*~*Malia*~*

Save Me From Myself

2004-10-18T17:08:00.001-04:00

All I want is to take you high...Higher than anything, and show you what I'm all about. All I need is your arms to be my shelter and your lips to be my warmth. I need your eyes looking down on me and your fingers in my hair. I need to just be around you and make you mine. I want every word and every emotion to be the best. I want to tell you how I feel...but I can't. I want to show you how I feel, but I can't express myself without wondering if you feel the same. Perfect is all I can say you are. Every word, every move, you know when and how to do it. I am lost in the world of you.
You upset me and enlighten me at the same time. How am I supposed to react when I hang off every word you say? You made me feel perfect. You made me feel free. You let me know how you felt, but I think your feelings changed. Please assure me that you care. All I need is one more kiss...a kiss in which, my whole world will collapse into you...

2004-10-18T17:08:00.000-04:00

Falling in and out of Life

2004-10-18T09:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I feel warm and cozy in my stage of uneasiness. I'm settled for what I have right now. Saturday night, Tasha and I got sooo lost in Springfield...not to mention I took a turn down a one way street and then went off road in order to not kill us. We were 4-wheeling lol. I fell asleep behind the wheel yesterday morning and went off road also. That time on accident.
I think being away from Pete is the best thing for me right now. It's helping me realize how much he means to me. Though serious feelings are taking over me, which is making me a little uncomfortable, I know I'll get over them easily. Plus, I'm at the same level as this kid, so I know I won't get hurt. I'm not looking for someone else to love. I know who I love and I'm sticking to it. I just need another comfort. I need something new. And I think he knows how I feel.
So yeah, anyways, I left school early today due to the fact that I needed a break from life. Pete's coming up today so we can talk things out a bit. Spend some time together.
But with this new kid...not mentioning any names. I have never ever wanted someone so bad in my entire life. Not like "Oh my God I love him!" want him, more like a one night or hell, 20 night stand want. I have had feelings for this kid for a long time. And spending time with him the other night...well morning...was awesome! I can't stop thinking about it! I've never wanted to just kiss someone before in my whole life! AHHHH

*~*Malia*~*

Breaking Down

2004-10-15T23:17:00.000-04:00

I guess you can say...anything that is everything that has been a negative experience for me is just hitting home now. I'm upset right now. If there is such thing as seriously breaking down, I'm there. I'm dead inside. I was subconciously thinking back to Friday. The show at the legion...everything was so cool, so real. I woke up Saturday morning to a whole new light. Friday night was one of the best...and come to find out, worst nights of my life. Everything I had to look forward to is now behind me. Almost like a bad experience. My hopes, dreams, goals, I put them in back of my pain.
Today I was thinking...I'll never make it in the music business. I feel as though it is once again...too far fetched. I feel stupid, worthless...nothing, as Bill had told me. Bill....what a topic....Bill.... too much to say about what I'm feeling towards that right now. I'm hurt, angry, and upset over what happened. I'll probably never see him again, unless if it's passing by. I'll never be able to sit down and talk to him again, unless I'm with Pete and it's in public. I'll never know what it's like to feel those lips...those juicy, tempting lips against mine again. The flirting, joking, fun times are gone now because of a kiss. One kiss...one kiss that meant more to both of us in which neither of us can admit...

My horror stories revolve around One Kiss

Total change since the last time I wrote

2004-10-13T15:15:00.000-04:00

Well, Sunday we all went to J~Bomb's new place. Bill was acting really weird. Yadda yadda yadda. Monday, Tasha came up and we went to Bruce's and chilled there for a bit, then we went to Bill's. I talked to him and he blamed it on me...yadda yadda yadda. I told Pete and stuff whatever, then I went to Bill's and almost killed him. He said some things that will scar me for life that night. So Pete and I are taking a break (my choice) and I highly doubt I'll ever see Bill again and if I do, it'll be extremely weird considering he literally tore me apart and threw me away. So yeah...
Last night, I hung out with Tasha again. We went to Springfield in order to see someone who ended up not answering his phone. So we met up with some guys and went back to this kids house...I'll put it this way....The "some random guy named Joe" story haha Tasha! So Bill is no longer on my mind. I'm secretly secretizing with someone...secretly :D But I got to work tonight. I'm dreading it. So I'm going to go lay back down for a bit

*~*Malia*~*

Guilt and Pain...but no regrets

2004-10-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong but you knew you wanted it? Have you ever done something that was risky yet fun? I don't know what to do right now. And I don't know why this hurts. Something happened that shouldn't have but that was bound to happen. Last night...I won't say what but it happened. I do not really feel bad about it. I'm just hurt because something inside me clicked and in other instances...it didn't. I wish that it was a feeling shared but obviously it was a feeling of one. I am the sucker yet again.
So yeah, school yesterday was alright. Nothing interesting happened. Mr. Rose almost had a heart attack over those damn freshmen. I've never ever seen so much ink on someones hands before in my life! After school, I came home and fell asleep. It felt good. Then I went to a show in Monson. Bill's band is doing wicked good. Then this band that Jenn's brother was in played and I thought they were awesome! Their lead singer looks just like the guy from Hoobastank. I saw Liam there. He is like such a mac-daddy! hehe It was cool. I talked to my dad for a little bit when he came to pick Liam up. Then Pete and I went back to his house so he could shower because he was roofing all day. So much for my weekend plans but that's okay. I need a weekend to myself. I found out that the hotel laid me off. That's cool too, though. I was getting sick of the weekend shit.
Anyways...after Pete showered, we went to Bill's. I heard the song that Bruce made and I love it! I saw Zareky (or however you spell it) for the first time in forever! Charlene and J-Ho showed up later. I've come to a conclusion....Charlene causes more drama than she can handle. I guess that's what comes with perfect looking women...horrible personality flaws. So yeah, at Bill's is where the thing happened. I'm not mentioning what or whatever, but it did. And I can't stop thinking about it. Pete was wicked bitchy last night. But he was tired, so I understood. We went back to his house and I definitely did not get a good nights sleep. I don't know why. Maybe because I had so much on my mind. Well, not so much on my mind, but one thing that flooded my thoughts and senses.
This morning, Pete and I went to McDonalds and ate and stuff. Then I went to work. Which I was going to stop at the hotel and pick up my check but I didn't. So yeah, then I was at iParty at noon. I pretty much zoned all day. Mrs. Phipps showed up and so did Michelle, Amanda, and Seth. Heather Gravel did, too. So everyone I knew was there today. I really enjoy Becca, one of the girls I work with. She's so nice and stuff. I gave her my number so we can get together sometime and stuff. That's one thing...I enjoy the people I work with...for the most part. Some of the managers are weird. But that's okay.
So, yeah, I think I'm going to go lay down. Mom's at Rick's and probably not coming home for a while. I'm bored...See ya later

*~*Malia*~*

In Shop

2004-10-07T14:08:00.000-04:00

Well, my day was rather normal. I did nothing really in shop and believe it or not, but I actually woke up this morning! I sooo don't want to work today. I have to be there for 4 as usual until like 9-9:30 so I'm dreading it. I can't wait to get home and just hang out by myself. Hopefully Lori is there tonight so I can leave early again. I'm so tired.
So, in shop, we did absolutely nothing all day! Mr. Rose is finally loosening up on us. And the freshmen have been misbehaving so much! They are all going to be dumping the old ink into the barrel. They have been horrible! Barely any of them are getting a recommendation. So yeah, at lunch, this kid, Brees or whatever was there. I felt so bad because everyone was making fun of him and he's like such a cutie. I felt horrible. He was carrying his lunch box around and he just seems like the type that laughs about it now then goes home and cries. I wanted to kick the other kids asses! And I will! I hate seeing shit like that. Well, the 2:15 bell just wrang.

*~*Malia*~*

Stressed

2004-10-06T22:11:00.000-04:00

I woke up at quarter past 7 today! For some reason, I haven't been waking up good lately. I ned a day that I can just sleep in.
Well, today shop was normal. My hands look worse than any mechanics. Hell, I'd look better if I had no hands. Mr. Rose made Beth and I clean the 512. Nothing really happened in school that was overly interesting. I was just to out of it all day.
After school, I knew I had to be back at the school for 5 in order to sell Smelly Jelly's at the Advisory Committee meeting. So what did I do when I got home? I fell asleep! And Gina called and woke me up at quarter of 6! I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't stay awake anymore. Like literally. I've been sleeping like a rock but I haven't been able to get up! But anyways, the meeting was cool. This freshman named Tiffany was there and she was so annoying. We sold well over $200 worth!
I was thinking about our VICA trip. And I can't wait. Gina and I had such a good time tonight. It was awesome. Mike never showed up but who cares. It was 6 girls. Me, Gina, Leann, Tiffany, Mrs. Casello, and Ms. Mader. It was awesome! We got free food! And it was good considering it was Culinary. Gina and I are going to have an awesome time at the VICA thing just because Gina and I are that cool!
Well, I'm beat! And I have school and work tomorrow... So Good night!

*~*Malia*~*

Exhausted

2004-10-05T15:34:00.000-04:00

Well in shop, nothing much happened. I guess 2 Freshman girls are being wicked dumb. They even got yelled at by Mr. Rose. But they've been giving us dirty looks and all that happy horse shit. Honestly, I could care less until they say something to me or about me. Today I have to go get work pants, I'm thinking about just going to Salvation Army. I was so pissed yesterday though about Stacy and the pants thing. Ugh. I was never specifically told what pants to wear. I just thought it was pretty much like the hotel. Black pants or khaki's. Not black jeans/khacki's or beige pants. Oh well, guess my whole check is going towards work pants. So anyways, I did everything right today. I even got a whole job done on the 3302. Even though it was only in 2-color. In typing, I worked on some more of my projects. But yeah, nothing is really going on in my life. I really need a new template for this journal. Someone leave me a comment telling me how to do it!!

*~*Malia*~*

Feels like someone is taking my brain and squeezing with all their strength

2004-10-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I just talked to Pete. He thinks he wants to go to a 4 year school after his last year at STCC. He wants to go to MIT. I don't know if I'm just in a bad mood because my day totally sucked or what but Pete just totally pissed me off. I like what we have now and he doesn't even want to get a place together right away. I do. I don't know what to think of this. I'm so much more mentally independent than he is. Like last week, we got in a fight while I was at his house because Bruce wanted Pete to move in with him and Laterneau. Pete didn't want to because he liked living at home and having everything go his way. That just drives me nuts! Take it from someone who has never had anything go her way, things change! I told him that at one point in his life, something will go wrong and maybe he will struggle at one point for cash. Pete said he spends over $100 a week just on himself. I could not believe that. He could be putting that money away so someday he won't have to worry about financial struggles. He said he enjoys being able to spend money on himself and not have to worry. Damn, I'd be the same way if everyone handed me anything I wanted on a silver platter! I just wish he'd realize now. He's 20 years old and he can't live at home forever. He'll never be ready. And tonight, on my way home from work I called him and now he's leaning towards furthering his education and I was like "well how do you plan on paying for this? Mommy and Daddy won't be able to pay for a school like WPI or UCONN." All he said was "well if I need to, I'll break into my trusts funds." He told me he had about $20,000 in there. It's like wow...sometimes I wish I could have some kind of fund. Hell, sometimes I wish I could have a family to help me. I just got an email from Erin telling me about her new puppy that she's getting. It's like Hey Thanks for picking up the phone and calling once in a while! How am I supposed to know you're even alive? I don't think it's my responsibility to call all the time. They owe ME! I never hear from Joanie or anything. Cammy did call me last week but I was at work. It upsets me so much! Sometimes I want to be able to call my aunt or grandmother without feeling uncomfortable. But I can't. I made my move and apologized...for what...the question still remains. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to write a long letter to my father asking him how he thinks I feel. I've been so torn apart lately...Lately? I mean like for about 17 years.
Well I don't know...I'm going to talk to Pete for a bit...

*~*Malia*~*

If you were smart...You wouldn't even...

2004-10-03T09:54:00.000-04:00

Aunt Barbara just left about an hour ago. I feel so bad because I didn't even get to spend much time with her. I worked Friday night, and yesterday morning. I took yesterday off from iParty though, so I could spend time with her, and instead, Pete came up and mom and Barbara went out. Pete, Liam, and I went to Blockbuster and Pete bought the DVD Blow with Johnny Depp. It was good, I guess. It's like a more mellow version of Scarface. It was alright. Today, Liam got me cranked at like 8 so I'm not too happy right now.
So yeah, Friday, Aunt Barbara took us to Penneys. Considering we were all up until 3:30 in the morning the night before, Friday was a slow day. I got some wicked cute stuff at Penney's like bras and pants and all that good stuff. Then I had to work at 4, so I went to pick Liam up at school and got home and left again. Stacy was there all night on Friday, and she isn't too bad. I was like scared of her at first but now that I think about it, she's actually nice. I gave Nate a ride home Friday night. He's a wicked cool kid. I actually think he's pretty cute, too. He was so nice to me. So I told him if he ever needed a ride, to let me know.
Tina came in yesterday and I felt so bad because Amy didn't and she had to stay. She had plans with her kids yesterday and she ended up staying at work. That happens to her a lot. They take advantage of her way too much there. I came home yesterday and I felt like shit. I felt so left out because they went to Burlingtons and the mall without me. I felt so unimportant :( And they didn't come home last night until I was sleeping, so I only got to see her for like a total of 2 hours tops in the past 2 days. I wish she could have stayed. So yeah, today I'm going into the hotel for a bit. Then I'm probably going to go to Pete's and do stuff. So yeah leave me comments people I feel so unloved!!!

*~*Malia*~*

I need a sign

2004-09-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Ya know...I don't know how to feel anymore. I have homework galore to get finished. I hate my new job. I'm working tomorrow night and Tuesday night and I have to have that project in for Wednesday because I won't be in school on Thursday. I don't know why I'm feeling so weird. Sex has been out of the question for me. I don't know why I haven't been in the mood. PMS maybe...? I don't know. I love Pete but I've been feeling so confused. Plus, lately I've been taking everything as a sign in my relationship. For instance...right after the incident happened, well on that Friday, I was heading up to see him at work and I saw a truck and the sign on the back of it said "Road Closed Ahead" is that a sign? Is my relationship going nowhere? I'm so depressed. I really hope it's just PMS. But I know I don't like working after school...it's official. Plus, iParty is weird. People there are weird. The hotel...I'm comfortable there. Maybe that place that Tara works is hiring. I don't know what I'm going to do this week without Pete. I'll see him briefly on Thursday but he has to work and he has guitar lesson. Saturday I'm working like a 15 hour day all together. I'm going to have to do something about this new job. Saturdays I can't work late. If that's going to be the only time I see Pete, I'm not working late.
I really need something...someone...at least Gina understands. She knows how it feels to be confused about love. We're talking about it now. What's up with me? I'm stressed and this cronic nausea hasn't been helping me much. Last shop week was hell and this academic week will be too until I see my aunt Barbara then I can escape for a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean until Friday afternoon. Ugh I'm going nuts. I haven't seen Barbara since we lived in Woodstock and that was years ago. Now she's finally coming down and I'll barely be able to see her then too. I'm just freaking out inside. But only inside. On the outside, you'd never ever know. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I'm so angry but I can't scream. I'm so upset but I can't cry. I don't know how to react to all thats been happening in my life. I have Pete who's in a mood, my new job that's sucking up my life, and my relationship, and my visit with my Aunt Barbara. I need a sign. I need questions answered. Where is my relationship going? My future going? My friendships, relationships, family. I talked to my dad today. It's like Dad why can't you give me a hand with my car? Obviously you have money if you can take a trip to Vegas. Ugh that pisses me off the most. Where's my dad when I need him? Why can't he be like most dads and help me and be there for me? Well I better stop writing before I cry and freak out more and not be able to sleep.
G'night!

*~*Malia*~*

Sick Day

2004-09-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

I can't stop coughing today for some reason. It's driving me nuts! Well work on Monday was cool. Everyone is kind of weird there, though. I'm not sure if I really like this job. Maybe I just need to get used to it. Last night, I was feeling wicked out of it. Which sucked really bad. Plus in shop, ugh I don't even want to go there, it'll just make me nuts again. I'll put it this way...Apparently I'm too dumb to do anything anymore.
I'm not going to be seeing Pete too much with my new job. I'm on the schedule next Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. Which next weekend is when my Aunt Barbara comes down. So I won't be able to see her much. I don't want to take the time off because I just started there so I don't think it'll be good if I went and took days off. But it's at night and I'm sure Mom will be taking her out a lot so, we have all day to spend together. But with Pete and I...I don't know yet. We need to figure out something. I hope he ends up scheduling his guitar lesson on Wednesdays so we have more days to work with during the week on seeing eachother.
I don't know whats been wrong with me lately. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time. Physically and emotionally. Maybe since that incident with Pete last week, I've ben thinking differently. I don't need guys to lie to me and think it's okay. I love him and I'm trying to get over it, but I just can't. I'm hurt. I'm really hurt. As much as I pretend everything is going to be alright, it's not to me. No matter what, I'm not over this. I don't know when I will be or if I will be. I don't know what steps to take or what decisions to make. I'm being eaten up alive inside from everything that hurts me most and the people I love are the ones that continuously hurt me. I don't know what to do anymore....I just don't know

My First entry

2004-09-20T14:01:00.000-04:00

Well, my day has sucked! I really hope the new job goes well. I hope I'm bumped up to permanent part-time instead of temporary. Well, I left school early today, for a number of reasons. I'm beginning to feel like real shit! I'm sick of having a cold. Yesterday, I was suffering so bad at Gina's. I felt so bad because I kept getting up to get a tissue. I hope Gina's okay. She was feeling weird last night and she never came into school today. I'm thinking about calling her.
Ok I called Gina...I love her. I guess last night she ended up getting sick at Andrew's house after Pete and I left. Andrew's house is wicked nice. The party at Gina's went well. I kept blowing my nose though. Which is why today, my nose is raw as hell.
Yeah, been feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. On top of the fact that I forget everything on the 3302 which I was on the verge of crying about today in shop, for the little while I was there. Mr. Rose has been a complete ass about it. But I guess from what I hear, he's been like this to everyone. The thing with Pete is still on my mind. Why strip clubs? Out of all the things guys can do...they enjoy watching naked women dance around? Ugh, it drives me nuts. I've also been having many issues with people again. Not so much fighting issues...I'm just wicked nervy. Well...nervy might not be the word...more like...aggitated, vulnerable, and tired all together, which is a possibility only in my case. I'm just so lucky. Tonight I have to fill out my SAT forms and attempt to sleep well.
Yesterday also, Pete and I went to visit his grandmother at the hospital. I felt so bad. I hate seeing people in hospital beds. I guess she's going downhill quick and that sucks. I remember when gramps died...it's like weird when a grandparent dies. I can only imagine how it'll be when Joanie dies because I was so close to her when I was young. And her and Pop aren't going to be around forever. I kept getting teary-eyed seeing his grandmother like that. It's like a wake up call...life's short.
Well that's all for right now, I guess...

*~*Malia*~*